Are you happy? Are you all that you could be?

... or on a road that will allow you to become that?

 Photo source: http://www.funchap.com

I am not in the best period of my life. Some things are not as they should be, as I would like them to be. I've been here before, not having what I don't have now. But strangely, this time I feel happy.

For a couple of weeks, I feel like someone stands in my way. On my normal, quiet, boring, anonymous road to nowhere and he's not allowing me to pass further, until I find the right answer to a question I don't really know, but somehow I begin to guess.

I love my life. I can not speak about the happiness of having a beautiful family and children of my own, because this is not my case. I am "single", but not alone. I have wonderful parents, great, amazing friends and a sweet, naughty little dog whom I love all.

I cherish my independence, my time, my space, my absolute freedom in thought, in being and in doing almost anything I want, when I want. I am a "strong, independent, black woman". But I am not. Cause life has been kind to me. Always. But have I been kind to it?

I have broken up with someone, a "significant other" how I heard or read being called, about this time last year. I have passed through the "put your face on a box bag" phase, over the "I'm happy, yes, I really am happy" phase, the "fuck, I am not okay" phase, onto the nice, finally here phase of "I have so much time, let's do something for myself". The phase where you usually get your life back and start remembering who you are without somebody to define you.

I chose to start doing something I wanted to do for some time. Details are not important. What is important is that I love it. It helped me find myself, and I met new, amazing people. It gave me the feeling of beginning to set my life on the right track. It made me happy for the first time since ... I don't even remember when. It made me wonder what else I have been dreaming of doing all these years and never done because ... I don't even remember the reasons, but I'm sure they seemed really important back then.

It made me wonder if we find our place, our way, as we grow up. Or do we know it better when we are nothing but little persons with an open mind and we lose it on the way? Wouldn't that be sad? And really alarming?

So for a couple of weeks I am stuck. I feel the calm and serenity you feel when you are in the arms of your parents, and you feel safe and protected, and you know you don't have to worry about anything because they are wise and they will take care of everything and they will tell what you need to do.

I feel the excitement and curiosity of a student who is listening his teacher explaining an interesting notion and trying to figure out what the homework will be. Because there is homework for sure. And my next homework is volunteering. Giving. Being kind and generous to others. More then I have been. And I am preparing my workbook.

I am not in the best period of my life. But strangely, this time I feel happy. Because I feel I'm given the chance of getting back to my self, the freedom to choose the right road and the motivation to take it.